Monday, August 20, 2012


I grew up with fabulous friends. I loved the little group that I formed. We were unstoppable and all the younger girls looked up to the circle of friendship formed. Everyone loved me and my town and environment was a place where I knew I would always want to come back to. It was not until my “friends” and I got into a brawl when we left for college that I realized that I was living in a false dream. I didn't have fabulous friends- I oversaw the drama and the backbiting and malicious acts that carried throughout each of our friendships. The ratio of 1 against “them” changed everything. My hometown became uncomfortable to be in and with the gossip and overheard rumors about me by them brought back to both BYU and BYU-IDAHO gave me no reason to defend myself. I felt like I was dumped by the whole world. Because of the culture and how rumors would spread so fast- even their parents began to spread their kids rumors. I was so sad. I never felt so betrayed by the people I called my family. I hated everyone around me and felt like only way that I could forget the past was to switch schools and live a completely different lifestyle that didn't include the gospel standards that I once lived. I fell off the deep end and I gave into all of the criticism that was being said about me. These people had no idea how much it was simply killing me inside. My whole attitude changed, and I never felt so low in my life. My best friends that I grew up with became my worst enemies- some of them got married and didn't even invite me to their weddings. They shunned me completely and I felt like a leper. I promised myself that I would never have friends, that I would never give any of my time or friendship to anyone because in the end- I was silent and they were right. It's been two years since and I haven't gotten a single phone call from any of them. Life went on and of course I was bitter. I would hear a song and have a memory and I would hate it. I didn't feel accepted by anyone. My religion became betrayal because that is what I believed in; that is what happened to me and I didn't think anything or anyone could cure the pit that I was feeling inside. It was until a 6 months later that I picked up my journal from that year and started reading about my life. I was so sad every day and never realized the little tender mercies that took part of my life. Since the betrayal of my “friends” I met new ones- ones that made me laugh and that helped me get back on the same track. Ones that loved me for who I was and who never tried to change me. There was the hand of God in my life and I overlooked it because I was holding on so tight to a hurt that could have been let go so long ago. Since then- I threw it all away, I lifted that heavy grudge from my shoulders and set it on Christs lap just as he wanted me to. I realized that there are more people in this world and that not one of them are the same. I realized that there were reasons behind every betrayal and that there are opposition in all things so that we would feel the joy of life in so many different ways. I love the people who are in my life- I love that they know who I am and that they accept my faults and still love me anyway. I love that they come to me about a problem instead of spreading a rumor or gossiping. I love that the Lord Jesus Christ is my best friend and that he went through things that are so unimaginable and still had amazing traits that defined who he was and is. Be yourself, let go because when there are grudges that live in your body they will eat at your heart. 

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