WRITER: MEGAN SMARTT
THE CHRISTMAS EVE THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING
Its Christmas morning and I wake up having to wipe away my crystallized- tear dried eyes. A rush of pain sweeps over me. Was it all a dream? Did last night really happen? There must be something I missed, this cant be happening to me. My life was going to be so perfect. Why me, why now? The very thought that my 3 year- love struck, giddy relationship ended in a blink of an Eye, was too much to bare. But just then my mom called my name to come down stairs to open presents with the family (since it is Christmas and all). But I cant control the flow of tears streaming down my face in every picture. What's wrong with me?
Flash backs of last night was paralyzing. The words "I don't know if I can choose you over my family in the end" rang in my ears. What did i do wrong? What could I do to fix this. NOTHING... Iv already tried everything to make it work throughout the years.
Memories of that night were engraved in every thought and every dream for months after. Every morning I had to wake up having to come to that same realization all over again, that I was alone.
Not too long after did I find out the TRUE reason why my life turned upside down. The truth that my future husband had been lying to me for the past year. That everyone knew... except me. Oh, the embarrassment swept over me. The thought that Even my best friends knew the truth and never told me. I all of sudden didn't know who my true friends were. who I could trust... if anyone.
In a 2 month period I had lost 20 pounds. I hated what I saw in the mirror. All I could see was tired eyes and skin and bone. I had never had anything in my life affect my self image this much. I felt so helpless, useless, pathetic..
It took me a good while, but eventually I decided that the image I had of myself was far more important than that of what others thought of me. I decided to show my face in public. To hold my head up high and to be strong. For far too long had I felt embarrassed, humiliated, stupid, and not good enough. That had to change. Starting now. (And It really was a conscience decision.) I had to make that decision to be a shining example to those that were watching my every move; that with Gods help anyone can overcome the hardest trial in their life.
It took awhile for my self-image to be a positive one. I just kept beating myself up. Going through every memory thinking to myself "i should of seen it." "3 years of my life, wasted." But It was when I stopped caring about what others were thinking of me, when I truly started to allow myself to be happy again. A guy shouldn't have this much destructive power over anyone. I always thought I was stronger than to ever let anything like this happen to me. But sometimes life takes you for wild rides. But You must get on and learn to ride it to the best of your ability.
I love the quote "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Nothing is impossible with God on your side. Even through those hurtful times, when you think of yourself as stupid and idiotic as I felt in that traumatizing moment in my life. But now I can look back (8months later) and think to myself. "Its when we stop holding on to what's wrong, when we let what's right come into our lives". I promise myself that I will never let anyone make me feel as badly about myself as I did that day. As long as I know God is happy with me, that's all I ever need. With God, anything is possible...