Wednesday, August 1, 2012



When I was asked yo write something for C.R.O.W.N, i had several emotions about it. I was excited, honored, nervous, and scared. I was scared cause I have never had my story, my struggles written down (well only in my journal that i like to write in) but not for other to see and read. Than i though, well, if my story and my struggles could help out just one person...than it would be all worth it.

I didnt always hate the way i looked. I was adopted into a loving family when i was 4 years old. I had an amazing life, an amazing childhood. I played sports,basketball, travel soccer, and varsity soccer for my high school, and moved on to play soccer in college I had a secrete though. A secrete that made me very isolated for others. I thought I was alone with how i felt. I struggled with bulimia since i was in 7th grade. i kept it a secrete from my family and my friends until I was a sophomore, and than my family started to figure it out. Thats when i struggled with anorexia. I would go to the gym every day, i would run around my neighborhood, and do sit ups and push ups in my room. Sometimes I would even stay up all night cleaning so i could burn calories instead of sleeping. A lot of things in my life was out of control, and i felt that this was the only thing i could control.

When i was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, that was one of my breaking points. I was only 16 years old, and was diagnosed with an 80 year old womans disease and i was told that there was no cure for it, and i would have this chronic condition for the rest of my life, and that all the doctors could do was treat the symptoms. And that was just the beginning. I was diagnosed with 2 other disease shortly after that i was told i would also have for the rest of my life. I got really depressed, but never showed my pain, my stress, and my insecurities.

Shortly after i went to college, my anorexia just took over. I lost a lot of weight very fast and landed myself in the hospital a few times from dehydration and from passing out. I never wanted to listen to the doctors when they told me i needed to change my life style other wise i would go into organ failure, and my heart would give out. I didnt want to believe it because i thought i had it under control. I thought i could go the rest of my life without food. I thought i was invincible.

One night, 7 months ago I was at my boyfriends place, when i got up and just passed out. I had stopped breathing and he had to give me CPR and mouth to mouth in order for me to stay alive. He called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital. I was admitted and had to stay there for a week because i still would refuse to eat and they were monitoring my heart. This was real. Now, my heart really could have stopped at any moment. When I finally was discharged i had promised I would go get help for it, but I would have said anything to get out. When i got discharged, i was only 89 pound.

I knew i had to get help and do something about it, but I was scared to. How could i just give up something that has been apart of my life for over 8 years? My boyfriend and I prayed about it, and it was time for me to get help so we started seeing someone for it, and he stuck by me every step of the way. 
That was the best decision i have ever made. I would be lying if i told you i was completely better. But the truth is, anorexia will always be with me, it will always be in the back of my head. I would be lying if i said it wasnt a struggle every single day that i wake up, and i have a choice i can make. I can wake up and go run and skip breakfast, or i can have a healthy breakfast and enjoy living.

If there is anyone who struggles with eating disorders and you think you have it under control, you are lying to yourself and you are not just hurting yourself, but everyone around you who love you. My boyfriend could have easily told me that it was too much for him, and i wouldnt have blamed him if he left, but he didnt. I was hurting him in more ways than i could have even imagined. I was hurting myself in ways I couldnt have even imagined, so i had to make a change.

I am now at a very healthy weight and i no longer and starring death in the face. Yeah, i had to go out and buy bigger clothes, but it was worth it. I love my life, and i enjoy every minute of it, and i made a promise to myself and the people who love me that i would never compromise my health ever again and that is a promise i intend to keep. If anyone ever wants to talk about anything at all, I am open and willing to listen, give advise, or anything you may possibly need. you may contact THE.CROWN.PROJECT and they can give you my number, or you can go to my facebook and message me.

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