BUTTERFLY. BEAUTY.

                      WRITER: KRYSTAL NIELSON

Utah

Throughout my life, I was bullied wherever I was. I was picked on at home by my family, at church by my guy friends, at school with my friends, and even at work with my co-workers and boss. It seemed normal to me, so I didn't think of it much a bullying, but rather a lifestyle. I have come to realize that I have no confidence in myself at all and probably due to the fact that I was picked on a lot. 

             From the moment I was born (literally!) I was picked on. My mom told me that when I was born, the first words that came out of my Dad's mouth was "Look at that honker!!" My mom didn't see me yet, and so she was scared that I really did have a huge nose. Turns out it wasn't really THAT big, but from that story and having it being told as a little girl, I became very aware of my nose. I always wanted to have a smaller nose than I do now. I felt ugly and worried often that I would never date anyone due to my Italian nose. I always dreamed that I could get my nose surgically fixed so I could finally be "normal". I remember as I kid looking in the mirror with scotch tape in my hand, "fixing" my nose and seeing how pretty I would look with the new nose. Around age 6, I noticed I looked a little different from the rest of the family. I had darker skin, brown eyes, dark brown hair, I walk on my toes, and the only one with this big nose. My mom told me that I was switched at birth, and that somewhere her cute little blue eyed, light brown haired, button nose baby girl. Even though it wasn’t true, I didn’t realize it till now how much that hurt me. How much it cut off my self-esteem and that being different was negative.

 As time went by, I found more things that I didn't like about myself. My curves, my hair/ eye color, my eyebrows, the way I dressed, etc. It seemed like no matter what I did, I would never live up to the potential of everyone else and having boys at school call me “freaking ugly” and my brother making up a song saying that I was so fat I would never get a date in my life did not help. Yes, there were some people in my life that told me I was pretty or cute, but it was usually women at church or my gal pals. Never have I been told up front by a guy that I was beautiful. Not even my PROM date. So, I assumed that the girls that were saying that were just trying to be nice. 

My love life has been non-existence. I never have had a boyfriend, first kiss, first hand-holding. Nothing. With this happening, it really made me feel worthless, ugly, and unattractive to any guy that crosses my path. I was always surrounded by couples, and even it may seem that I would hate that but I loved it. I loved watching love. I loved setting up my friends, helping out with relationships, giving advice to my friends about what they need to do next. As long as I could see someone be happy with another, I was happy. I would always have that “almost relationship”, but for some reason, the guy would bail at last moment. It hurt me. I soon learned to not get too attached and get over the current crush fast. I have never felt that week-long sadness of him not liking me, I just say “Oh well.” and just think that this would happen for the rest of my life, so might as well get used to it now.

I have learned to love myself by one video, The Butterfly Circus. This movie was played in my religion class and it moved me. I learned that we all are really beautiful in our own special ways, and even though you may think that you are worthless, you are special to someone in this world. Someone who thinks you are beautiful. You may not have met them yet, but they are out there, and they will soon come in your life and completely change the way you think about yourself. We all have our imperfections, but it is our imperfection that makes us unique. Be your own kind of beautiful. Stand out from all the others. Never bend your head. Hold your head high. Look the world straight in the eye.